Today I have something to say. I think working 12 hour days all week for a month is starting to get to me. I not only hear, but also feel this voice inside screaming to get out.
I have an unsatisfied hunger. I long for more. I am dissatisfied with the way I spend most of my life. I am disappointed at what my tombstone would say if this were my last day on earth. People tell me to focus on the good things as if that will help make the drudgery more palatable.
Let me focus on the good things I have. Relationships. My family is awesome. I love my family and they have made me who I am today. That includes my family that I don’t see everyday and the family I end the day with. I am blessed to have married my soul-mate and to have kids that push me to become a better man everyday. It is the relationships we have in our life that truly define us. I won’t be remembered so much for what I did as I will for how I loved. The relationships we have are more important, more powerful than anything else in life. They are what really matter. They shape us. I am happy and in love with my family and I thank God for our health and abilities. I don’t ever want any of them to think that the dissatisfaction I feel is because of them. It is inside of me and has been there since my creation.
As a little kid, I knew in my mind that I was destined for greatness. I wasn’t sure what that would be and I still don’t know what that is, but the feeling is still there and beats like the Tell Tale Heart buried beneath the floorboards. As a teen, I was dissatisfied with society and it’s expectations. I never felt comfortable in any of the groups that formed and finally just became friends with people that were “real” if you know what I mean. I had crazy ideas of living on the beach for awhile before doing anything “acceptable,” but I too fell to the expectations of society. I think this happened because of fear of the unknown and my own lack of confidence in myself and my gut feelings. I didn’t realize yet that in life we can actually do whatever we want to do. We should not ignore those feelings that are pulling us, calling to us to chase our dreams, as silly as others may think they are. I went straight to college in search of a career that would make me me. I thought a career would fulfill and make me who I was supposed to be. I ignored the things I found fun like photography and cycling when I made the decision about my college major and instead tried to be logical and realistic. Now here I am almost 20 years later, dissatisfied with my position in life. I have a job that takes most of my waking moments and provides me with no real satisfaction, but great health benefits and salary. In fact the salary is better than any other job I could have with my skills and abilities.
What about the kids? I am supposed to provide for them right? I am supposed to work to put food on the table right? But what if they saw and experienced a dad that was adventurous, took risks and lived life to its fullest? What if he listened to his dreams more than his opponents? What if he believed in himself enough to make and achieve goals that were too lofty for most but satisfying to him? What if he not only rode across North America on two wheels, but took them with him to bond and to experience the adventures too? What if they never again saw him come home from work too tired to read a silly book because he spent his best hours somewhere else doing things that didn’t matter? What if… ? I want my kids to believe in themselves and follow their dreams to make a difference in this world. Am I setting the right example?
I can’t help it. This longing for adventure, for real living, for a job that is more rewarding than stable, more intrinsically pleasing than financially secure, this longing to live outside the lines will not go away. Yes, I do realize that to survive I have to make money. But to spend the best of my life in the pursuit of money is a life unlived.
I visited Alastair Humphreys’s blog today. I have been there before but today his writings really got to me. I bought his books. I want to fill my head with ideas and thoughts of adventure and doing things differently. We can bash our heads against a wall for only so long trying to come up with ideas before finally giving in. Sometimes ideas from others are like kindling for a fire. I feel like I have some big logs on the fire pit of my brain. I just need the ideas, the kindling to get them lit. Here’s the link - enjoy and read all the chapters.
Thanks for reading. Please leave a comment about this. I want to see what others are experiencing. Oh, and I moderate the comments only to delete Spam, not to edit your comments. -EB
Impossible is just a big word thrown around by small men who find it easier to live in the world they’ve been given than to explore the power they have to change it. Impossible is not a fact. It’s an opinion. It’s not a declaration. It’s a dare. Impossible is potential. Impossible is temporary. Impossible is nothing.
- Muhammad Ali
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